The Studio

I was reading Diana's blog yesterday, and it helped me realize a few things about my own life....

Diana is absolutely right, I *will* be ok. That's really the bottom line of it. I've been through many transitions in my life, I've had great times, and I've had difficult times. As in all of our lives, there have been heartbreaks, disappointments, and triumphs. One personality trait that I have always been proud of is that I'm a very resilient person. I always bounce back, most of the time, rather quickly. Somehow, in the last few months, I forgot that.

In the past couple of months, I've spent a great deal of time thinking, perhaps over-thinking, my relationships and lamenting the fact that I can't always distinguish between activity partners and good friends. The truth is, I have a pretty good idea who my close friends are. The difficulty is in accepting that for the most part, we are separated by time and distance. It's also worth reminding myself that these types of relationships take time to build, and that I should be more patient with myself and those around me, and let my relationships grow and blossom.

Even though I tell myself these things, I recognize that we, and by "we" I mean "I", have a need to be loved, to feel appreciated, wanted, and desirable. The last of that is only loosely related, so I'll just leave it alone. All the others, are just components of feeling connected to other human beings. We're social creatures. Sometimes when among friends, I do feel loved, appreciated, and wanted. There are times, however, when I don't -- instead I feel disconnected. It's the "alone in a crowded room" sensation. We've all been there.

Still, I wish the disconnected feelings would come less often. The feeling is a function of so many factors, it's hard to pinpoint the actual cause. It could be me and my perception of a situation, it could be group dynamics, it could be my friends and our inherent personality differences -- difficult to say.

But at the end of the day, I really am lucky to have my close friends in my life. When you find someone around whom you can say anything, reveal anything, and nothing you could say or do would really surprise them or change their opinion of you, you know you've found a life-long friend. These relationships are rare even in the best of times. Anyone who has at least one friend like this should count themselves lucky. I have half a dozen.

Yes, I may want more mileage out of my current relationships, but that only means that I care enough about the people in my life to want to have stronger relationships with them. I hope this blog has not been too difficult to read, and that it has not offended/hurt anyone, or undermined the relationships that I have with each of you. What it all boils down to is that I care about you guys and want to know you better, and take steps towards feeling like you know me better. Sigh, so many thoughts and emotions. Can you tell that I'm not done sorting it all out yet?

Someone whom I admire a great deal once told me that the worst thing you can do to a relationship is worry about it. I should take his advice.

If you've read this far, let's go grab coffee and talk sometime, ok?

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win