The Studio

It's all so familiar, so expected, so predictable

Tomorrow, I resume work again, and I'm kind of dreading the familiarity of it all. Even this past week, while I've been at home, my days were so routine. I'm surrounded by people with whom I am perhaps too comfortable, doing things that I always do.

There are no adventures, little spontaneity, nothing is fresh, nothing is new. It's been some time now since I've experienced the lost feeling of driving down an unfamiliar street, but never before have I emotionally felt so lost -- it's like being stuck out in the middle of a stagnant lake.

More than once, it has occurred to me, as I am driving home from work, that I could just keep driving, for a day or two until I'm in some town where I don't know where the closest grocery store is and no one knows my name. And for some reason, this isolation and unfamiliarity -- driving into the unknown -- isn't scary, but in fact sounds nice.

Of course, I don't do this because it would be irresponsible. I think of all the people who would worry about me or who would miss me. But it's hard not to think of all the people who wouldn't notice that I were gone.

I've always done the responsible thing throughout my life, and my responsible decisions have served me well. I can't help but wonder, though, had I been a little more wreckless or taken a few more risks, if I would be just as fortunate.

There has been one common theme in the past four books I've read that have resonated so loudly with me, it has been hard to ignore. The books (Nickeled and Dimed, Memoirs of a Geisha, Girl with a Pearl Earring, and Catfish and Mandala) are dissimilar in every other respect, but in each, the protagonist has been uprooted from their normal surroundings, dropped into a completely different world, and been forced to navigate their way through "life". In each case, the protagonist emerged older, stronger, and wiser because of it. Perhaps I, too, could use a similar trial. I fell as though I ought to be tested, to be pushed to my physical and emotional boundaries, to discover where my limitations lie.

I hate that I sit here writing about how unhappy I am about leading such a happy life. In my life, I have never had a crisis, I have never wanted for anything, have never been lacking in love or affection, have never ached for anything that I didn't get. And for that, I am wracked with guilt. I can't imagine how those who are even more privileged than I deal with it. I try to channel this energy in positive ways, donating time and resources to charity and community service, but that doesn't ease the restless symptoms.

Life has got to be harder than this, surely it's got to be more challenging. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just naive? Is it that I'm not living life to its full potential?

WHAT AM I MISSING??

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go where we never go
Let's make a new world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

Then one day we'll find
when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes

What's this life anyway
What's it to you and me
What are we doing here
Who are we supposed to be
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
I'll take our little world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days