The Studio

My original post about "nice girls" got a number of responses, and many of the points raised were quite interesting. There was something in MT's comment that reminded me of something I've secretly believed for a while, but have never widely shared because it's somewhat controversial.

I don't believe this is true in all cases, but I do feel that there are non-negligible numbers of cases where excusing oneself as a "nice" person is no more than a cop out for being selfish. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out for a bit. I think that oftentimes, we don't tell others how we feel about them, not because we are afraid of making the other person uncomfortable, but rather because we are fearful of rejection, or feeling stupid, or vulnerable, or any number of uncomfortable feelings we'd rather not feel. This applies to situations beyond telling your crush you like him or her.

I am a firm believer that the people in our lives deserve to know how we feel about them -- this includes loved ones and friends alike. Like is short, and the people in our lives are precious. You never know when you'll not have the opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them ever again.

Pedro and I had a debate about when it's appropriate to send thank you cards to convey your appreciation for someone's kindness. For Pedro, thank you cards are an insult coming from friends because favors and acts of kindness are expectations between friends. I can certainly related to that, but I feel that friendships should nurtured and not taken for granted, and there are times when a friend goes above and beyond what can reasonably be expected from a friend. In these cases, I think it's valuable to the friendship that you let your friend know that recognize and appreciate what they've done for you.

Going back to the scenario of telling your crush you like him or her, and why I think not telling them is selfish.... First, I think that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to tell someone you like them, which takes into account the other person's feelings. For example, baring your heart and soul to the other person in front of a large group of people would be inappropriate because the other person could be embarrassed. Barring "inappropriate" methods of conveying to someone that you like them, I think that we should tell the people that we like that we think they're amazing people and that they are special to us.

In virtually all cases, this special person will at a minimum be flattered. Worst case scenario, by putting yourself out there and taking on a personal risk you've flattered someone, that's pretty selfless in my book. I hope you can see why I think the contrary is also true. The whole, oh I don't want things to be awkward between us is crap because anyone worth your time will be able to respectfully tell you that they don't feel the same way about you but that they do value your friendship. They will appreciate the personal risk you took. You're not imposing on the other person if you respect his/her decision to be friends. It's not an imposition if you're not pressuring the other person into dating you.

And finally, the biggest reason why I think you should always tell the other person about your feelings for him/her is because I feel that people ought to be able to make their own decisions about what relationships they do or don't get into. Ok, maybe you only kind of like someone, and don't really care about whether you date him/her, and you can't be bothered with the emotional hassle of telling this person you're mildly interested in them. Fine, in this case, it's probably better if you kept your mouth shut. But, if you genuinely like someone, have high opinions of them, and have good intentions, you should always tell the other person you feel this way. Because the other scenario goes like this...."Oh, I think so&so is really awesome, I feel like no gets me like s/he does. Hrmmm, but I don't know if s/he likes me. Maybe s/he doesn't like me. I just won't say anything, and try to get over it..." In this case, so&so may have wanted to reciprocate and pursue a relationship, but you decided for him/her that the relationship wasn't going to happen and thus never even gave him/her a chance.

Bottom line, before deciding that it's better not to tell someone how you feel about them, ask yourself why you think this. Be brutally honest with yourself. Is it really because you don't want to be in a vulnerable position? The answer might be yes, in which case, you're just being a selfish scaredy cat.

Note: I do not advocate telling someone you like them *despite* signs that the other person has given to try to convey that they are trying to maintain a friendship with you, and nothing more. These so-called signs can sometimes be too subtle to make a definitive decision. In case of ambiguity, err on the side of no sign, and just tell the person you like them, so at least both parties can have a chance to clear the air