The Studio

Man, I got schooled tonight -- in the most welcomed and enjoyable way, but schooled nonetheless. Thanks for your patience, guys!

A few short days, and 2005 will be a quarter over. What have I accomplished?

It hardly feels that three months have passed...I'm still in New Year mode. One thing I know for certain, I haven't been in the driver's seat all that often this year. That's a problem.

This weekend, I went snowboarding, something I'm quite bad at, btw. Still, my inability was a little inspiring. I at least knew that I wanted to be a better snowboarder. This sort of spurred on an acknowledgement that there are a slew of things I want to do or learn how to do. So much to do, and so little time.

Certainly, there is not enough time for me to sit in the passenger seat on the road trip through my life.

I have never been known to not be in control of my life, to not be proactive in getting *somewhere*. Lately, the *somewhere* has been the problem. In high school, I knew I wanted to get into a good college. For all of that time and some time into college, I was also pre-med. The pre-med track certainly dictates many choices and prioritization. But now, the possibilities are endless, there could be any number of destinations, all are equally attractive and attainable. So which road to take?

Well, I couldn't decide on a destination in one night, but I thought up some landmarks that I wanted to hit along the way.

Here they are:

Before 4/11:
Change oil
Change license
Send out Vera Tran Memorial Foundation Fax
Go buy guitar pick
File Taxes

Before 9/1:
Contribute to 401(k)
Read "Money Book for Young, Fabulous, and Broke" and develop a financial plan

By 9/1/2006:
Have ribbon cutting ceremony for Vera Tran Memorial Foundation
Promotion to Consultant
Fix flooring at mom's house

Before 2010:
Learn to snowboard
Learn to play guitar
First draft of cookbook
Go to Europe (Austria, Czech republic, Germany)
Put mom's house up for sale
Purchase Houston home for mom and dad
Promotion to manager

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Don't know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It's not new
But it'll do zero to sixty in five point two

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Can't be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin' hands with the clock
I can't stop
I'm on a roll and I'm ready to rock

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I'm running behind
Better pick up my pace
It's a race and there ain't no room for someone in second place

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Don't ask me why I was thinking about this at all, but the other day, as I was driving home from work, I was thinking to myself, if I had a boyfriend, how often would I *need* to hear from him. This led me to wondering, how many units girlfriend would I be...

Odd, but nonetheless, I thought I'd share it with you all, for your own amusement, and perhaps to any potential boyfriends out there who may wander across my site. Yves apparently thinks there are something like 90,000 of you guys. hehe....riiiight....(a girl can dream!)

So, keep in mind that what I'm about to list below are minimums, and that as my relationship progresses, the minimum needs may change. And, these minimums only apply to someone I introduce to family and friends as my "boyfriend", people I'm dating don't count. And, what is listed here only applies to waking hours.

Here we go: I want to see my Boyfriend in person at least twice a week, or for a total of four to five hours, whichever works out, depending on travel schedules and/or work schedules. In addition to this "in person" time, two half-hour phone calls on two separate evenings are sufficient for real-time communication. The other three days, IMs and/or emails will sustain me. You know, just so I know that 1. you are alive, and 2. you have thought of me at some point in your day.

That's it, really. I would be quite pleased with that. I really don't feel like I'm all that demanding of a girlfriend. If you were a fuzzy at Stanford, you could probably classify me as a 2-3 unit girlfriend. If you were an engineer, I'd be more like a 0.5 unit girlfriend. =) Well, since you can't take a class for 0.5 units, I'd say I were a 1 unit P/NC girlfriend. hehe.

Can you tell I'm pretty amused by this?

When I was recounting this to a friend, he asked me about maximums. That was a whole 'nother scary can of worms I was not about to open. I love my go, go, go life. It is not yet clear to me how much time with one person is too much for me. I would imagine my threshold is a little lower than most people's, but then again, I just haven't met the right person, right? I keep telling myself that.

Since we're on the topic of dating, here's another amusing morsel for you. A few months back, one of my friends was telling me about this girl he was interested in. I asked him, well, on a scale of 1-10, _how_ interested was he? He said he didn't know, because he didn't know what the scaling factor was -- in other words, what each number meant. So, I went home, came up with a scale that I could see myself using, and shared it with him. Here it is, in case I ever ask you how interested you are in someone.

1: I mostly just think he's hot
2: I'm attracted to him, and he makes me laugh. I have a good time whenever we get together, but it's not all that often, and I'm ok with that
3: I'd like to go out on a fairly regular basis. By regular, I mean like once a month or once every two to three weeks.
4: He has my full attention. I'm not really looking to date anyone else
5: I see us in a 6 months - 1 year exclusive relationship
6: I'm comfortable saying "I Love You" to him
7: I'm comfortable spending a family holiday together at one or the other's family
8: I wonder to myself, is he THE one?
9: I'm looking for a wedding dress
10: I have absolutely no doubt that we're going to live happily together for the rest of our lives

Hehe. Ok, ok. Enough about boys and my pathetic dating life....

You and I
Travel to the beat of a different drum.
Oh, can't you tell by the way I run
Every time you make eyes at me.
Woh-oh

You cry
And always say it will work out;
But honey child I've got my doubts--
You can't see the forest for the trees.

Oh, don't get me wrong--
It's not that I knock it,
It's just that I
Am not in the market
For a boy who wants to love
Only meee-hee-ee.

Yes, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty,
I'm sayin' I'm not ready
For any person, place, or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me. So-oh

Goodbye,
I'll be leavin'. I see no sense
In this cryin' and grievin'.
We'll both live a lot longer
If you live without me

(musical interlude)

Oh, don't get me wrong--
It's not that I knock it,
It's just that I
Am not in the market
For a boy who wants to love
Only meee-hee-eee.

Yes, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty,
I'm sayin' I'm not ready
For any person, place, or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me. So-oh

Goodbye,
I'll be leavin'. I see no sense
In this cryin' and grievin'.
We'll both live a lot longer
If you live without me

It must have been something in the spring rolls.

Tonight, I felt more connected than at any other point since graduation. Sure, there have been pockets here and there, but for some reason, tonight just felt like a huge break-through.

The topics were tough, but everyone handled them extremely well. We talked about our pasts, we talked about ideals, we talked about hypotheticals, gosh, there was probably little we didn't talk about. Some of us shared, some of us were cajoled into sharing, and some of us weren't quite ready to share.

I hope it was a therapeutic or at least revealing evening for everyone. I feel perfectly safe around you guys. In the course of one night, I have learned a good deal about each of you, as well as about myself.

For you seven that were there tonight, expect a one-on-one hang-out invite from me in the near future. No, I don't want to pry into your personal lives as follow-up from tonight, but I just want for us to have some room to grow our relationships. If Walter and Eric have taught me anything, it's that it's important to spend alone time with your friends. Group settings aren't the easiest of spaces to really get to know someone, though I think it's a hoot when we all get together. But hey, you don't have to wait for me to make the first move, hint hint.

Hehe. you guys rock! Sleep tight!

Did you ever wonder where the story ends, and how it all began,
I do (I do, I do, I do, I do)
Did you ever dream you were the movie star with popcorn in your hand,
I did (I did, I did, I did)
Do you ever think you're someone else inside,
when no one understands you are (you are)
And wanna disappear inside a dream but never wanna wake, wake uuuuuup
Then you stumble on tomorrow, and trip over today

[Chorus]
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine (gonna be just fine)

Are you not afraid to tell your story now,
when everyone is done it's too late (too late, too late)
Was everything you've ever said or done not the way you planned,
mistaaaake
So you promised that tomorrow, be different than today

[Chorus]
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine
I think you're gonna be just fine
You're gonna be just fine
So don't worry baby

You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today

Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think you're gonna be just fine

Would we be happier if we were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if we played a bigger part
Would we be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think we're gonna be just fine
I think you're gonna be just fine

Don't worry baby
Gonna be just fine
Don't worry honey
Gonna be just fine
Don't worry baby
Gonna be just fiiiiine

I was reading Diana's blog yesterday, and it helped me realize a few things about my own life....

Diana is absolutely right, I *will* be ok. That's really the bottom line of it. I've been through many transitions in my life, I've had great times, and I've had difficult times. As in all of our lives, there have been heartbreaks, disappointments, and triumphs. One personality trait that I have always been proud of is that I'm a very resilient person. I always bounce back, most of the time, rather quickly. Somehow, in the last few months, I forgot that.

In the past couple of months, I've spent a great deal of time thinking, perhaps over-thinking, my relationships and lamenting the fact that I can't always distinguish between activity partners and good friends. The truth is, I have a pretty good idea who my close friends are. The difficulty is in accepting that for the most part, we are separated by time and distance. It's also worth reminding myself that these types of relationships take time to build, and that I should be more patient with myself and those around me, and let my relationships grow and blossom.

Even though I tell myself these things, I recognize that we, and by "we" I mean "I", have a need to be loved, to feel appreciated, wanted, and desirable. The last of that is only loosely related, so I'll just leave it alone. All the others, are just components of feeling connected to other human beings. We're social creatures. Sometimes when among friends, I do feel loved, appreciated, and wanted. There are times, however, when I don't -- instead I feel disconnected. It's the "alone in a crowded room" sensation. We've all been there.

Still, I wish the disconnected feelings would come less often. The feeling is a function of so many factors, it's hard to pinpoint the actual cause. It could be me and my perception of a situation, it could be group dynamics, it could be my friends and our inherent personality differences -- difficult to say.

But at the end of the day, I really am lucky to have my close friends in my life. When you find someone around whom you can say anything, reveal anything, and nothing you could say or do would really surprise them or change their opinion of you, you know you've found a life-long friend. These relationships are rare even in the best of times. Anyone who has at least one friend like this should count themselves lucky. I have half a dozen.

Yes, I may want more mileage out of my current relationships, but that only means that I care enough about the people in my life to want to have stronger relationships with them. I hope this blog has not been too difficult to read, and that it has not offended/hurt anyone, or undermined the relationships that I have with each of you. What it all boils down to is that I care about you guys and want to know you better, and take steps towards feeling like you know me better. Sigh, so many thoughts and emotions. Can you tell that I'm not done sorting it all out yet?

Someone whom I admire a great deal once told me that the worst thing you can do to a relationship is worry about it. I should take his advice.

If you've read this far, let's go grab coffee and talk sometime, ok?

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win

Many of my male dancing friends love to follow. Every now and then, I am inclined to lead so that they may follow. But, the truth is, I'm not nearly or even a fraction as good as a lead as they are. The thought has crossed my mind once or twice that I should learn to lead. It appears that all the great dancers can both lead and follow.

The truth is, the reasons that I have not learned to lead are purely selfish. I love to follow -- it's that simple.

Recently, I've also noticed that while I love waltz and polka and swing, I am insatiable when it comes to salsa, hustle, and tango (gasp!). For me, these dances are about as close as one can get to pure lead and follow (well, that, and Eric's improv which I also enjoy immensely).

In my day-to-day activities, I am always in control. I drive my days. More often then not, I am a decision maker. The gears upstairs are always churning. I will not be successful at what I do if I reacted rather than initiated. I am usually "on".

Mind you, I am not merely talking about work and career here. The above describes how the last 8 or 10 years of my life have pretty much been. But you see, when I step onto the dance floor as a follow, I can (in most cases) put all my trust in my partner. I can relax, let someone else drive. I get to play the role of reactor and interpreter, and take what cues I am given and turn them into as beautiful a move as I can muster.

I transform into someone else when on the dance floor. I feel feminine. I feel that I am treated as a lady. Oddly enough, I don't always get that off the floor. It probably has something to do with the alpha personality and the fierce independence and self-sufficiency.

So many people think that equality between men and women means that both sexes should be treated in the same manner. I couldn't disagree more. Maybe it's the southern in me. I don't see courtesy as an insult to my gender. Women and Men are different, that's a fact. So until men can bear children, the fact remains there are times when it is necessary to treat the different sexes differently.

But, I digress. I find that in waltz, at least rotary and Viennese styles, the two partners have very similar roles. Yes, there are some pretty turns for the follows, every now and again, but for the most part, the follow is doing pretty much the same thing as the lead, just a bar later. For some, this is their reason for loving waltz. I love waltz because this aspect of it is very familiar and comfortable. Helping my partner around, and sharing equal responsibility comes very naturally to me. When I waltz, I can turn on the auto-pilot. To some extent, a good waltz is when the follow is back-leading, half the time.

When I salsa, hustle, or tango, it's not at all natural. My brain has to switch gears. I find this incredibly stimulating, not to mention that I can kind of escape to a parallel world.

So, to all my male dancing friends out there who love to follow....I must apologize for not leading more. And, until this other side of me finds satisfaction off the dance floor, don't expect too much to change. Just know that when you are leading me around, I appreciate it more than you know.

If I could grant
You one wish
I'd wish you could see the way you lead
Ooh, I love danc'n with you
Baby
When you're sending me spinning

Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you lead me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you lead me
The way you lead

It's not right
It's not fair
What you're missing over there
Someday I'll find a way to show you
Just how lucky I am to know you

Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you lead me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you lead me
The way you love me

You're the million reasons why
There's glee reflecting in my eyes

Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you lead me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you lead me
The way you lead me
The way you lead me

Ooh, the way you love me
The way you love me