The Studio

It may be time for more than just my website to change. A couple weeks ago, Justin quit his job as Director of Sales in the valley and he's taken a job at a venture capital firm in the city. This led into him wanting to move to the city. Not just that, he wants me to move to the city with him. The decision isn't quite as simple as move to the city or find another roommate. It should be, but it hasn't been that easy.

The decision has been a little difficult because I kind of want to do both. In weighing my options, all options are equally appealing. I was hoping that something external would come along and tip the scale, but I realized that wasn't realistic. So, here are the thoughts I've been wrestling with:

If I move to the city, we would live in a nicer place than I do now. I would still get to live with Justin, whom I get along really well with. I would have all the conveniences of living in a city. I'd get to be young in the city -- this is really the time in my life when I should be living like a young person. BUT...If I moved to the city, my commute could be longer, but only if I stayed on my current project...I could request to be on a different project that could potentially be closer to the city. I could get an out of town job, which would mean that I could have more flexibility to go to Houston. I could switch jobs altogether -- there's one particularly exciting opportunity that has presented itself. If I move to the city, I'd be farther from my friends who live in the South Bay, but they're only 45 minutes away, it's not like I'm moving to another state. And, it's not like I don't have friends who live in the city...there are a number of them in fact, and my best friend will live there next year! If I move to the city, my cost of living could go up...but if I'm more responsible about cooking more meals, the cost wouldn't have to go up that much; plus if I'm on an out of town project, I wouldn't have any costs during the week....

But if I stayed in the South Bay, I could still be close to my friends. I wouldn't have to change much. There are more bike trails and more biking buddies. There are more single guys (this may or may not be true. I've heard it's true, but it's certainly never really been a huge benefit of living down south). I wouldn't have to pack (gosh, how on earth did I accumulate so much stuff). My current place is pretty big. I could go to sports every Sunday (I really like sports).

When I think about the possible move, and then the possible job change, it all gets to be too much. So my current moto is: One day at a time. Before I go and stress out about moving, Justin has to find a place he wants to buy first (it gets a little more complicated when he asked me if I wanted to buy a place together). Once Justin decides on what he wants to buy, I can decide if I like the place enough to move -- is it close to the freeway, is it big enough, is there a parking spot, etc. I think everything will start falling into place after that.

I discussed my options with my mom and she said "You're old enough now, I trust you to make the right decision for you. Just do what makes you happy." HA!! Easier said than done. It's not so much that I don't know what makes me happy -- I just know that I can be happy with whatever. It'd be easier if I were miserable now -- I would know that I needed to change things up; I'd be more motivated to change. But looking at my two options, I know that I could be happy regardless of what I decide, so how do I decide? I don't have a clear picture of which option will make me happier.

Prolonged agony about the pending big decisions has caused me to entertain the idea of moving back to Houston, into my parents' house, to hang out with them and the rest of the extended family, to worry about nothing but work, exercise, and community service. When I used to live at home, my living situation was settled, my meals were prepared for me, I had time to devote to other stuff, it was nice and stress-free (not that I'm particularly stressed out here).

Possibilities can be scary when they are too numerous. I'll keep you all posted about what I decide, but for the time being, nothing is changing, not for a few months anyhow, and there's still a good chance that nothing at all will change. Hrm. Decisions, why am I so bad at the seemingly trivial ones?

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

Glinda:
Can't I make you understand, you're having delusions of grandeur...?

Elphaba:
I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I have lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

Elphaba: Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do - together.

I'm Limited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been, Glinda,
Dreams the way we planned 'em

Glinda:
If we work in tandem

Both:
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

Elphaba:
They'll never bring us down...
Well? Are you coming?

Glinda:
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this...

Elphaba:
You too - I hope it brings you bliss

Both:
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend...

Elphaba:
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately -
Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me -

Tell them how I
Am defying gravity!
I'm flying high
Defying gravity!
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Since my co-worker and I started shopping for bikes together, I've also started to notice a dearth of middle aged people in the Bay Area. The reason that this has come to my attention is because my co-worker is a 50-yr old male. We're shopping for bikes together because we figure we have to go to the same shops, ask the same questions, and it would be more enjoyable (and more environmentally friendly) if we went together. It also gives us each another person to bounce ideas off of. Anyways, since we've been going about together, I've run into some friends. There have been some pretty amusing questions and speculations from friends and sales people alike about what the two of us are doing together.

I could have tried pretending that my co-worker was my step father, and definitely thought it would be funny to pretend to be his mail-order bride, but alas we just left folks to their speculations and curiosity. It got me to thinking about how odd it really was for the two of us to be shopping for bikes together. Would it arouse so much curiosity in other parts of the country? Perhaps, but perhaps for different reasons.

There are many reasons why folks may think it weird to see the two of us going about together, but as soon as I started contemplating it, I started to notice that there aren't that many 50-yr old people in the valley -- at least not that I come across in my every day life. It seems like even the most senior people at work are like their mid to late 30s, early 40s at best. Are all the 50 year olds retired? Do they live in the east bay? How come there are so few of them? Anyways, random uncohesive thought....

I know somebody and they cry for you.
They lie awake at night and dream of you.
I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying.
I know somebody and they called your name.
A million times and still you never came.
They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody's trying.

So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can't be me, I know when,
Somebody's lying, I know when somebody's lying.
I know that somebody's lying, I know that somebody's lying.
Give me a sign and let me know we're through.
If you don't love me like I love you.
But if you cry at night the way I do I'll know that somebody's lying.
So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can't be me.
I know when somebody's lying, I know when somebody's lying.

I've been thinking recently that my website is in desperate need of a redesign. For starters, some of the content is out dated. For example, it's been some years since I've been an undergrad. Beyond that, though, the design of the site doesn't suit me anymore, it's not who I am or what I'm trying to go for.

My impression of the current design is that it's kind of whimsy. It's a shout-out to my high school days when my favorite color was purple. It's a shout-out to the first website Melissa and I designed together when we were sophomores in high school.

My new site will try to be more mature, retain some of the clean lines, have a simple but elegant feel. The colors will be comprised of earth tones. The information will be more easily accessible.

Aside from updating the content and the colors and layout, my website needs updating because the underlying code doesn't represent how far I've come in my web development experience and abilities. I've much to learn, but as an aspiring web developer, my site should at least be w3c compliant. I love the elegance of not having to bloat your code with tables whose function is only for layout and design.

And so this summer you all should expect to see up house cleaning around here. Feel free to drop me a line if you have any suggestions or if you find anything that's broken.

I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more

In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love

I have made some big mistakes
And Ive paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more

I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind

In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I wont get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love