The Studio

My original post about "nice girls" got a number of responses, and many of the points raised were quite interesting. There was something in MT's comment that reminded me of something I've secretly believed for a while, but have never widely shared because it's somewhat controversial.

I don't believe this is true in all cases, but I do feel that there are non-negligible numbers of cases where excusing oneself as a "nice" person is no more than a cop out for being selfish. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out for a bit. I think that oftentimes, we don't tell others how we feel about them, not because we are afraid of making the other person uncomfortable, but rather because we are fearful of rejection, or feeling stupid, or vulnerable, or any number of uncomfortable feelings we'd rather not feel. This applies to situations beyond telling your crush you like him or her.

I am a firm believer that the people in our lives deserve to know how we feel about them -- this includes loved ones and friends alike. Like is short, and the people in our lives are precious. You never know when you'll not have the opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them ever again.

Pedro and I had a debate about when it's appropriate to send thank you cards to convey your appreciation for someone's kindness. For Pedro, thank you cards are an insult coming from friends because favors and acts of kindness are expectations between friends. I can certainly related to that, but I feel that friendships should nurtured and not taken for granted, and there are times when a friend goes above and beyond what can reasonably be expected from a friend. In these cases, I think it's valuable to the friendship that you let your friend know that recognize and appreciate what they've done for you.

Going back to the scenario of telling your crush you like him or her, and why I think not telling them is selfish.... First, I think that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to tell someone you like them, which takes into account the other person's feelings. For example, baring your heart and soul to the other person in front of a large group of people would be inappropriate because the other person could be embarrassed. Barring "inappropriate" methods of conveying to someone that you like them, I think that we should tell the people that we like that we think they're amazing people and that they are special to us.

In virtually all cases, this special person will at a minimum be flattered. Worst case scenario, by putting yourself out there and taking on a personal risk you've flattered someone, that's pretty selfless in my book. I hope you can see why I think the contrary is also true. The whole, oh I don't want things to be awkward between us is crap because anyone worth your time will be able to respectfully tell you that they don't feel the same way about you but that they do value your friendship. They will appreciate the personal risk you took. You're not imposing on the other person if you respect his/her decision to be friends. It's not an imposition if you're not pressuring the other person into dating you.

And finally, the biggest reason why I think you should always tell the other person about your feelings for him/her is because I feel that people ought to be able to make their own decisions about what relationships they do or don't get into. Ok, maybe you only kind of like someone, and don't really care about whether you date him/her, and you can't be bothered with the emotional hassle of telling this person you're mildly interested in them. Fine, in this case, it's probably better if you kept your mouth shut. But, if you genuinely like someone, have high opinions of them, and have good intentions, you should always tell the other person you feel this way. Because the other scenario goes like this...."Oh, I think so&so is really awesome, I feel like no gets me like s/he does. Hrmmm, but I don't know if s/he likes me. Maybe s/he doesn't like me. I just won't say anything, and try to get over it..." In this case, so&so may have wanted to reciprocate and pursue a relationship, but you decided for him/her that the relationship wasn't going to happen and thus never even gave him/her a chance.

Bottom line, before deciding that it's better not to tell someone how you feel about them, ask yourself why you think this. Be brutally honest with yourself. Is it really because you don't want to be in a vulnerable position? The answer might be yes, in which case, you're just being a selfish scaredy cat.

Note: I do not advocate telling someone you like them *despite* signs that the other person has given to try to convey that they are trying to maintain a friendship with you, and nothing more. These so-called signs can sometimes be too subtle to make a definitive decision. In case of ambiguity, err on the side of no sign, and just tell the person you like them, so at least both parties can have a chance to clear the air

I know I'm not a nice girl because late last year, my roommate told me that I was a cougar in the making. Just like that.

Today was another prime example, but more hilarity was involved. Howard and I were chatting over some drinks, and we got to talking about our dating lives, as we are wont to do. Howard commented on how his last date was for his senior year screw your roommate some years ago. Howard then proceeded to ask me when my last date was. After thinking about it for a while, I told Howard there was this one date late last year, but asked him if the date counted if [Howard heard] "something something 10 year old"....

Shocked, Howard demanded that I back up and tell the whole story. So I did. It went like this...

I met this guy at a conference, nice guy, interesting, kinda flirty, wasn't sure if he was flirty by nature or if he was specifically flirting.
(t)Procrastinates. Email tag, try to keep it professional.
(t)What? Oh, call you? Nah, I don't want to call you. Procrastinate some more.
(g)Hey, how come you haven't called me? (t)Oh, sorry, I got really busy. Do you really want me to call you? Calling is such a pain, but fine, ok, when should I call you.
(g)Call me anytime, I wanna talk to you.
Talk, talk. Let's get together for coffee.
Talk over coffee.
(g)BTW, I have a 10 year old kid

Upon hearing this, Howard bursts out in a fit of laughter.
(t)What's so funny?
(h)I thought you went on a date *with* a 10 year old!
(h)I heard you ask if the date counted if it was with a 10 year old. Of course that wouldn't count, it would be ILLEGAL

har har Howard. Very funny. Do I look out of my mind? Hehe, what on earth do my friends think of me? ;-)

For those readers who don't know what a cougar is, check out wikipedia

Sorry, that last one was a little bitter; guess I'm just frustrated...

But honestly, there are a lot of nice girls out there, go be happy already.

EP posted a link to a super cute series of you tube videos. Topic: "Just a Nice Guy". The story laments the predicament of our well known and well loved "nice guy". It's a cute series, check it out.

Now, I can really appreciate and sympathize with the plight of the nice guy. I feel for you guys, I really do, but it hurts sometimes to hear you guys lament your situation when there are so many nice girls out there. If nice guys finish last, then nice girls don't even finish. Let me tell you why....

As tough as it is for you guys to work up the courage to tell your girl how you feel, it's a hundred times more difficult for a nice girl to tell her guy how she feels. Guys, at least you know that unless you say something, your girl isn't going to know how you feel -- you have no expectation that your girl is going to magically know how you feel and approach you first. That's where the nice girl is at a disadvantage.

Not only does the nice girl have all the worries, insecurities, and trepidations of the nice guy, she has to deal with the fact that our society has made it difficult for her to approach you and express her feelings to you. WORSE, her only alternative is to be as sweet as she knows how to be, and sit around patiently until you get it through your thick skull that she might have feelings for you. It's an impossible situation!!

Should the girl actually manage to work up the courage to confess her feelings for you, she's either seen as aggressive (and a LOT of guys are turned off by that), or she runs an even higher chance of ruining her friendship with you because there's a good chance you're not going to be able to muster up a mature response if you're not into her.

By no means do I dare claim the nice girl title for myself, but I've known my share of them, and no one ever speaks out on their behalf. The nice gals in my life are amazing women, giving, nurturing, patient. And a good number of them have been mistreated by complete jerks because the nice guys in their lives did nothing. It's not that nice girls like jerks, it's because the nice girls couldn't make any progress with you nice guys, and the jerks were the only ones who expressed feelings towards them, however false those feelings may have been.

The next time you gentlemen sit around and lament about how nice guys finish last, think back on all the nice girl hearts you've broken.

There are days when I still miss you
And the times we spent together
Lazy Sunday afternoons
When we would walk these streets

But today the streets seem less cheery
And the skies above are much more dreary
Don't tell me it's the season
Or that it's this time of year
I know the real reason
Is 'cuz you're not here.

11-11-11 will be impossible. Perhaps 2013? Seems equally unlikely....gah.

I really should be asleep right now, but there's so much stuff flying around in my head. There's always a ton of things one could be thinking about, but when you stay up late shooting the breeze at Happy Donuts, there's even more to ponder as your friends ask thought provoking questions....tonight I'm musing about relationships, lack of relationships, happiness, aspirations, and chores. What tomorrow will bring, no one knows....

Random thought of the day...why haven't we evolved to the point where things that are bad for us also taste bad??

As everyone's New Year and New Year's resolution blog posts go up, I consider why I haven't written mine yet. 2007 was a weird year...it was kind of like a transition year for me, though I couldn't tell you what it was a transition from or to. 2007 was supposed to be my goof off year, it was supposed to be a fun year, a year of travel; I think it was marginally successful at being that.

In 2007, I traveled to Viet Nam, Cozumel, and Puerto Vallarta. There were lots of weddings and engagements. Lots of new and old friends, too. But, 2007 wasn't all fun and games. There were lots of break ups among friends. There was a lof of being tired for no apparent reason. There was a lot of putting myself out there, waaaaay out there, to no avail.

2007 was, however, a year of progress for The Vietnamese American Scholarship Foundation, but it was also a year of delayed goals. Scratch that, it was a year that inspires me to try harder to make the foundation grow. And it will, if only by sheer will alone. In my lifetime, VASF will grow to be a multi-million dollar endowment. I just don't quite know how yet.

2008 will be a productive year I hope, I'm excited by the prospects. I hope 2008 doesn't disappoint. Here's what's on tap:

On the personal front, I hope to:

1. be more physically active. I'm thinking hitting up the gym/go to sports 3 times a week. The cardio kickboxing class sure sounds fun.
2. spend less money. I'm doing ok in this department, but could always do better. I think the key is to cook and eat at home more.
3. read more. My queue is ridiculously long right now. Maybe by the end of 2008, I'll have read all the books that I own. That is, assuming Tiff and I can refrain from going into the bookstore every time we eat on Castro.
4. go to New York and get my hair cut while I'm there
5. get more sleep
6. take my vitamins with more regularity

1. do a 6 stint in Africa on a non-profit consulting assignment
2. go to Chicago for training
3. not get paid out for my vacation
4. make progress on that reach goal

1. hold a successful 5th Anniversary event
2. put out the first newsletter
3. raise the first $100K for the endowment
4. add two new scholarships to be offered in 2009
5. extend scholarships to cover all of Texas and offer some in NorCal

I don't think I'm hoping for too much, but I do expect 2008 to be a productive year. I wish all of you the best this year. May we have more time to enjoy each other's company.